The Brewhaha on..."Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"

“That’s right, officer.  Missing.  Hit by Santa’s sleigh.  Yes, we’ve been drinking egg nog…hello?”
-Mr. Spankenheimer

The "evil" CEO:  “And you would be?”
Santa Cla- “SANTA CLAUS!”
-Santa, on one of his bad days

Grandma Spankenheimer:  “Who are you?”
Santa Cla- “Oh, we better get her some medical attention!”
-Santa, on one of his better days, I guess

Cousin Mel:  “All you have to do is sign.” 
Grandpa Spankenheimer:  “Sing?”
-In which an anagram is used as a segue into another “song”

“If Santa goes to jail, it’ll be the end of Christmas.”
-Sis Spankenheimer, forgetting the true meaning of Christmas


“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” it turns out, is both a Christmas song and a Christmas special.   How one gets the gall, though, to adapt a song based on an old lady becoming the victim of “sleigh-icular homicide” into an animated children’s Christmas special is beyond me.

If this movie didn’t air about twelve thousand times every Christmas season, it would just be known as a ho-hum animated Christmas special.   As it is, though, this movie gets an unneeded amount of attention and airtime, especially by Cartoon Network.  And as it is, this movie has developed a vocal hatedom.

GGROBAR, as I’ve chosen to abbreviate it, is one of those pieces of television and movie magic where you get the impression the creators had a lot more fun making it than viewers have watching it.   There are all these running gags and holiday in-jokes and fanservice…yes, fanservice…that somebody somewhere must enjoy watching, but it’s at the viewer’s expense rather than their benefit.

Now, from a technical standpoint, it’s not a bad movie.   The animation, if somewhat by-the-numbers, isn’t terrible, and the voice actors, while not great, aren’t horrible either.  As is typically the case with many an animated “hero” though, our lead character Jake is a very bland character and leaves something to be desired.  Granted, they mention he’s kind of a computer geek, but considering he never thinks to reach Santa Claus on Twitter until nearly a year after the fact, whatever defining characteristics he has beyond his role as the goody, goody goody nice guy who truly believes in Santa Claus and is a special little snowflake are something of informed traits.

This brings us to Santa, the guy who apparently put Jake on the “nice” list.   Now, I don’t know how you screw up the freaking patron saint of Christmas, but apparently he has a few character and plot holes in his sack.  For instance, he knows enough about Jake (including his love of Christmas, which toys he wants, and whether or not he does his homework each day), but he doesn’t know what the freaking kid’s grandma looks like?  So he knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows what kind of toys you want and the grades on your midterm tests…but he can’t recognize your relatives?  Beyond this, GGROBAR can’t even decide whether Santa is supposed to be the jolly old man of yuletide yarn or some glorified North Pole landlord with a temper.

The main antagonist is Cousin Mel, the relative of the Spankenheimer family who wants to sell their family bakery to the CEO of whatever evil corporation owns half three-quarters every other business in town.   She is also way out of place in what is presumably a children’s film, seeing how sensual her character is supposed to be…the key words being “supposed to.”  With everything from her long red hair, to her choice of dress, to her attempt to seduce the CEO and “consummate” their (financial?) relationship, to the God-awful musical number (if one can really call it that) she gets in a bikini and skirt, to her stuffing a business card and a letter from Santa down her freaking shirt, clearly the creators are trying to needlessly sexualize her. 

(In my humble opinion, they are also trying too hard.   Gone are the days when our animated women had that natural beauty, from the otherworldly mermaid Ariel, to the exotic enchantress of Princess Jasmine, to the bookish swan Belle (no, not that swan “Belle”), or even the malevolent yet somewhat tantalizing curves of the tentacled sea witch Ursula.  Now we have Cousin Mel, a plastic, dolled-up shrew of a character who uses her feminine wiles to try and destroy Christmas.  Truly, a feminine role model for the ages.)

Oh, and also, she can’t stand Christmas.   So, yeah, not a good person.

The overall moral is par the course for Christmas specials, but still no less maddening (if somewhat cliché).   GGROBAR tries to give us the old “spending time at work is bad, spending time with your family is good,” “earning money is bad, lending out ‘credit’ to customers is good,” “the corporation willing to buy you out is bad, halting progress is good,” “trying to make Christmas more easy and efficient is bad, but spending time to haul a Christmas tree into your home is good,” “that jolly old guy in the red suit you never really see is good, but the high-tech robotic Santa and reindeer at the disposal of Cityville is automatically bad”…well, hopefully you get the picture.

Even barring all of this, GGROBAR is still riddled with flaws.   The motivations of the villain/CEO (and the outright assumption that he’s supposed to be a villain), the blatant and not-too-subtle demonization of big business, the “idiot” moments of the characters (but especially Grandpa Spankenheimer), the needless cutaways to generic and overlong “music numbers,” the assumption that freaking Santa Claus is within the jurisdiction of Cityville law…all of it just amounts to a yuletide yawn.  (Please take the hint, networks, and stop showing this over-exposed travesty of a holiday special.)

Note:  
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
That’s what Grandma’s gonna do!
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
’Cuz Grandma would’ve wanted it too!
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
He knows the law is on his side (awwwwn his siiiiiiiide…)
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
Santa’s going for a ride! (a lawwwng one…)
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
That’s what Grandma’s gonna do!  (evil laugh!)
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
’Cuz Grandma would’ve wanted it too!  (no pantalonés)
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
He knows the law is on his side (awwwwwwwwwn his siiiiiiide…)
Grandma’s gonna sue the pants off of Santa,
Santa’s going for a ride!
Santa’s going for a ride!
Santa’s going for a ride!
Santa’s going for a ride!
Santa’s going for a ride! (stuck in a loop…)
Santa’s going for a ride! (it won’t stop playing!)
Santa’s going for a ride! (…make it stop…)
Santa’s going for a ride! (God’s sake, make it stop!)
Santa’s going for a ride! (can we get tech support?)
Santa’s going for a ride! (they won’t stop singing)
Santa’s going for a ride! (…won’t…stop…)
Santa’s going for a ride! (…unnngh…)
Santa’s going for a ride!
Santa’s going for a ride! [Insert Spanish here]