The Brewhaha on..."Grown Ups"

"Hey Spade, it’s Sandler. Where you been, you crazy asshole?  That commercial you did with Farley really sucked. It creeped me out. Come on, the guy’s dead, you shouldn’t be raiding the tomb. [...]  I need a hit. Let’s go hang out on the lake with James and Rock. Yeah, yeah, Schneider can come, too. What? No, we don’t have a script. We’ll just wing it."
-Adam Sandler, as himself

"There’s an old lady who farts a lot in the new Adam Sandler flick, Grown Ups. Seriously…she farts a lot."
-Bob Grimm, NewsReview.com

"Full of obvious jokes and schmaltzy sentiment, Grown Ups is as much fun as watching endless home movies of people you really don’t know very well."
-Allan Hunter, Express.Co.UK

"Being harsh on this film is easy, the story is absolute trash, and the characters are completely unbelievable, and poorly explained, by the end of the film the sudden 'character development' and general preachyness of the plot line will most likely leave you wishing the film will end, and considering the running time of under 2 hours, it really does feel its length."
-An IMDb reviewer, trying to give a positive review

“Grown Ups” is too many things at once, and as a result, it doesn’t even add up to the sum of its parts.  Half a dozen great comedians, their apparently supermodel wives, the mid-life crises associated with raising a family, childhood friends brought back together for one last weekend out at the beach, a family-friendly comedy with gross-out humor sprinkled throughout…and almost nothing resembling plot or character development.  It’s the marketable film studios would kill for--the comedy version of “The Expendables,” if you will.  It’s also an absolute train wreck.

I remember when a friend tried to talk me into seeing “Wedding Crashers,” which stars Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson as the least convincing romantic leads of the decade.  I didn’t really want to see it, because they aren’t really my favorite actors in the world and I wasn’t crazy about the premise.  I wouldn’t have much to say about Wedding Crashers if they had simply stuck with the premise of two horndogs crashing weddings, but not five minutes in, the film introduces an honest-to-goodness love story, and the rest of the film is Owen Wilson struggling to convince the girl (and audience) that he would make a good boyfriend.  And struggling to act.

“Grown Ups” doesn’t stray too far from its own basic premise, which is the touching tale of four or five adult man-children spending a weekend on vacation with their kids while having various hijinks.  I’m also willing to respect the film’s creators for not simply making “Without a Paddle 2:  Male Gigolo” and trying to introduce some subplots beyond “Chris Rock, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, and David Spade walk into the woods with their kids.”

The only problem is that the execution for all of these subplots is simply half-assed.  The comedian’s wife starts arguing with him, then they’re like, “No, we’re fine now.”  Kids don’t get along with their parents?  No problem, just take them to the water park.  How about the childhood rivals in basketball showing up to challenge them?  Yeah, spoiler alert.  Guess how far into the movie it is before they get challenged to the B-ball game.  On YouTube, it would be Part 10 of 10.  As in, the last ten minutes of the movie.  (However, it helps that the movie doesn’t treat the game too seriously.)

Our lead characters are Chris Rock, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, and David Spade.  For all intents and purposes, they simply play themselves.  The emotional crux of the film, oddly enough, is much the same as “The Expendables” theme of male bonding.  There are moments throughout their weekend where they sit back in their lawn chairs and crack wise about their mommas.  It’s basically an afternoon with the guys, as they reminisce and talk about their families.  It’s like going to a family picnic or something.  Except it’s a movie.

Then the family vacation goes into full-blown cartoon mode.  (Obviously I’m not averse to cartoons, but it’s definitely out of place in this movie.)  To give you an idea of what I mean, Rob Schneider is the unofficial fifth member of the quartet of guys.  He’s a “sensitive” guy who’s married a sixty-five-year-old nymphomaniac and cooks organic foods.  He has two hot daughters, and one really ugly one.  He keeps getting shot in the foot.  In other words, we get to chill for a moment with four very talented, snarky comics, and then we get a cartoon character who likes to engage in screwball comedy.  It would be like “The Kings of Comedy” or “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” if they decided to add that “you can do it!” guy from “The Waterboy” at the last minute.

So overall, is “Grown Ups” a good movie?  No.  It’s a half-assed movie, and whatever it doesn’t half-ass, it still decides to handle with kid gloves.  Whether it’s getting to know your kids, reconnecting with friends and family, or even something as simple as the slapstick of, say, shooting your friends with arrows and swinging too far on the tire swing, the film either gives us too much or too little.  Beyond the simple title of "comedy," the film’s creators don’t know what kind of movie they’re making, and the end result is an underwhelming movie and an obvious cash-in.

Note:  The Brewsky is an enthusiastic contributor and movie reviewer.  The above Adam Sandler quote was taken out of context, and was made up by one of the quoted reviewers.  The above quote does not necessarily represent any actual conversation between Adam Sandler and David Spade.  Still, would it really surprise you?