The Brewhaha on..."Manos: The Hands of Fate" and "Demolition Man"

Tonight, on a very special Valentine’s edition of the Brewhaha, I’m here to review two not-so-great—if not absolutely terrible—movies you can spend an evening watching with that special someone.  Our first movie for the night is an abridged commentary and a brief re-acquaintance with an old favorite movie star of mine, specifically the 1993 futuristic/action cop spoof, “Demolition Man.”

Now, Sylvester Stallone is one of those people in Hollywood you either love or hate.  You’ll either love him because he’s an unapologetic action star with a ham-fisted approach to his performances and he has that noticeable curl to his lip, or you’ll hate him for many of the aforementioned reasons.

His career is basically a reflection of this.  When he does a Rambo or Rocky movie, or decides to work with half a dozen other action stars for the sole purpose of playing commando for an entire film, he manages to draw in a lot of fans.  But whether it’s fate, his poor choices when it comes to scripts, or simply Hollywood developing an inability to take a boxer/Vietnam vet with an oft-parodied pseudo-macho slur seriously, he ended up in a slew of not-so-great films starting around the 90’s.

“Demolition Man” is one of those films.  And, coincidentally enough, it’s one of those films I haven’t really caught all the way through.  That’s because (a) I had just switched the channel to AMC about a week back, and (b) I had to leave just when they got to Denis Leary in the tunnels.

According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, “Demolition Man” was supposed to be a satire of sorts.  Since I caught maybe twenty or thirty minutes of the movie, all I saw was Sylvester Stallone as IS! some futuristic time cop in another post-apocalyptic (or simply post-twentieth-century) world where he has to bring justice both to the crooks and to the system.  I mean, first he’s in “Judge Dredd,” and then this movie?  I suppose he makes a good post-apocalyptic police enforcer with a laser gun, but there’s only so much of that the world can handle.

From what I’ve seen, they at least did some decent world-building.  It was a world of the “haves” and the “have-nots.”  And Stallone protests this highly-stratified society the way only our good Sly-dog can, in that gritty, everyman, in-your-face manner which is either completely awesome or just absolutely preachy and an insult to our intelligence.  At the Sly-dog’s side for most of the film is Sandra Bullock, taking a break from saving homeless kids and stalking some guy to give us the quintessential futuristic girl with an encyclopedic knowledge of the twenty-first century and a knack for stating the obvious.  (i.e. “You do not accuse someone of fraud!  It’s rude!”)

Dennis Leary plays a rebel without a cause who lives in the pre-apocalyptic world in the sewers, a man from the twentieth century.  Having escaped the brainwashing attempts of the future’s overly-legalistic society, he is a man who only wants “high cholesterol,” a “Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati,” and those old-fashioned values of “freedom of speech and freedom of choice.”  I’ve seen him in two of his supporting roles, the other one being his temperamental police chief in “Who’s the Man?”  In both cases, he steals whatever scene he’s in.

The general consensus is that “Demolition Man” isn’t a great film, but it’s still a movie which unapologetically revels in how cheesy it is.  Having seen…what was it, like a half hour or so?...I can safely say I agree.  The no-nonsense one man weapon of destruction the Sly-dog has unintentionally parodied to death firmly find his place in “Demolition Man” and doesn’t let go…at least, for the thirty minutes in the middle I managed to catch.

Our next movie for tonight is “Manos:  The Hands of Fate,” which is almost universally regarded as one of the worst films of all time.  To give you an idea of what I mean, all you need to know is this:  It was created by a fertilizer salesman from El Paso who bet a friend that he could make a movie.

Manos would have faded into obscurity, if it hadn’t been tracked down by Frank from TV’s “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”  The movie was shown in what oddly enough became one of MST3K’s highest-rated episodes.  This was the version my eternal movie buddy managed to download for us to watch the other night.

As far as I can remember, there were no opening credits; the perfect time to show credits would have been during the ten-minute-long documentary film of the great plains of Texas (or was it Maine?) inexplicably before at the beginning of the actual movie.  Since it was an independent film crew, I can only guess that none of them wanted their names attached.

Contrary to popular belief, there is some consistency between the main portions of the film and the opening and closing scenes.  Granted, a lot of those scenes could (and should) have been cut out, but they do at least establish that, yes, there are police in the strange world of this movie, and yes, that inexplicable horny couple which pops up in the beginning and…yes, in the middle too…helped point the police in the right direction (even if, as always in horror movies, the police were completely incompetent afterward).  Personally, I was also pleasantly surprised that the movie actually had some sort of ending, considering the obvious problems with editing (out!) material both at the beginning and toward the end.

At the moment, I’m getting caught up with the original, un-MST3K’d version of the movie on YouTube.  As always, the villains completely steal the show; even if they are completely over-the-top.  And it sounds like The Master managed to get the best music.

Still, like I said before, there were some obvious problems in the editing process.  The beginning and ending notwithstanding, there are also a lot of awkward pauses, spliced-in images, just stuff like that.  And, even if we simply accept the fact that this was an independent movie, all of the characters are just completely stupid.  The main couple inexplicably lose their daughter at the beginning, Torgo is an obvious, nigh-useless “Igor”-type character, and even the Master becomes incredibly ineffectual the moment he says, “ARISE, MY WIVES!!!”  Not to mention the way his “wives” basically “massage” their traitor to death near the end.

The film’s main appeal?  Probably the fan service.  As always, the wife and female lead ends up the typical damsel in distress for most of the movie.  And the Master’s WIVES?  Well, see for yourself.  Torgo is also an interesting breakout character.  (Side note:  He wore a metal rigging which was intended to make him walk like a “satyr.”  It ended up giving him chronic pain in his legs, and as a result he was on painkillers for a good portion of the filming).  And as always, when you’re looking for a good, hammy villain, look no further than…wait, is that Freddie Mercury?

If you’re curious, and you have a high tolerance for really bad movies, you can watch the un-MST3K’d version on one GameFighter66’s YouTube channel, beginning here.  (This is assuming it doesn’t get taken down by Google any time soon.)  Just grab some popcorn, invite some good friends over (or, if you’re getting serious for Valentine’s Day, invite the Mr. or Mrs. over), and be prepared to laugh your collective asses off.

Note:  The Brewsky is an enthusiastic contributor and movie reviewer.  And no, this doesn’t count as two movies.  This counts as one-sixth of a movie and a sad excuse for a movie.  So there will be another review some time in the coming week, and then another review after that.  This only counts as one movie.  Barely.