The Brewhaha on..."The Fantastic Four" (1994)

"Look at me!!!   AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
-Ben Grimm, channeling "Home Alone" upon his transformation into the Thing

"SO, my friends!  ...Hm."
-Dr. Doom, the original super-villain, at a loss for words upon realizing the heroes have defeated his henchmen and escaped

"When Corman came and asked to buy the movie rights to the Fantastic Four, Marvel eagerly gave it to them. And Fantastic Four was made — and subsequently buried.  All that having been said, is Corman’s Fantastic Four really as bad as people make it out to be? Well, no, not really. Well, okay, yes."
-Nix, BeyondHollywood.com

"If you do decide to brave this movie, do so out of curiosity and prepare yourself for the worst, because that’s what you’ll get."
-Travis Keune, WeAreMovieGeeks.com

No, this review isn't about the Fantastic Four movies that came out in 2005 and 2007.  This review is about the seldom-seen, bootleg, cheaply-produced version which came out (officially or...otherwise) in 1994.  Those of you who are hardcore comic geeks (or movie geeks, for that matter) may have heard about this film, which has more-or-less disappeared off the face of the earth since its completion.

The story goes that the studio that made this movie was forced to either do so or give up all rights to the title.  So they produced a Fantastic Four film on the fly, and then decided not to distribute it.  It was never shown in theaters, and what few VHS copies there are have most likely been illegally distributed from the studio (though, according to Wikipedia, the movie was supposed to be a pilot for a planned TV series).

As you might expect, the production values are cheap, even for 1994.  Frankly, it looks more like something out of the 70's or 80's, a la the original Superman films.  In fact, the first few minutes of the film seem to emulate the first "Superman" movie, with an opening sequence that takes place in outer space accompanied by a studio orchestra, followed by a relatively down-to-earth sequence of opening scenes which, despite the presence of a pair of evil henchmen and a device meant to collect radiation from something called Colossus, looks like it could take place in the real world.  So, at first glance, it looks like a fresh and intelligent take on the comic books.

However, even within the first few scenes, we can see some major flaws.  Outside the immediate subplot of Reed and Doom, we meet Susan and Johnny Storm for the first time.  In contrast to the 2005 movies, it's nice to meet less cynical versions of the characters, including a Susan who isn't always harping on the world's smartest man about their love life and a Johnny Storm who...isn't a complete asshole. 

However, this movie takes their characterizations too far in the other direction.  Susan, at the tender age of...what, twelve?  fifteen?...is already swooning over Reed, which, I understand, is supposed to be a more direct adaptation from the comics, but it's still just sick and wrong.  The fact that the movie soon time-skips and doesn't dwell on their jailbait romance for too long doesn't detract from the effect.  Johnny, meanwhile...is just a smiling buffoon and a pale shadow of what the Human Torch should be.

Alicia Masters's introduction suffers from the same flaws as Susan's; she meets Ben and in two minutes apparently falls in love with him.  Her character arc consists of "fall in love with Ben," "get kidnapped," "spend the movie in a sewer," "get kidnapped again," and "declare my undying love for this rock monster."

Unfortunately, her character arc ties in with the introduction of the Moleman (or, at least, some mutant homeless guy who is based on the Moleman from the comic), who becomes obsessed with her, steals a very valuable and powerful diamond from right under Reed Richards's nose for her as a "gift," and finally kidnaps her and whisks her away to the sewer.  The sick part is that, for the first half of the movie, this random homeless guy with a monocle is the only effective bad guy in the film.  I guess this is to be expected, though, for a villain whose main goal is "get the girl" rather than "destroy New York with a death ray" or "kill the Fantastic Four."

Which brings us to Dr. Doom, the evil, shadowy overlord who ends up dominating the climax of the film.  There's not much to say about him, other than that they've completely stripped him of the menace of his comic book counterpart (see the second quote from the top).  That being said, though, he is also extremely hilarious.  The way he moves those metal fingers of his around, letting them clack together, his over-the-top dialogue (some of the dialogue is spliced in afterward via a voice actor) and gestures (which don't always match up with the dialogue!), the fact that he sits atop a massive stair case in his dark, stormy castle. 

No, Doom is not a very effective villain.  Yes, he is a laughingstock compared to his comic book version.  No, you can't always hear what he's saying through his helmet.  But yes, he is freaking hilarious.

One element the movie really nailed was the tragic element of Ben Grimm, or Mama Grimm's ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing, who undergoes a transformation into a rock monster that wouldn't be out of place in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  His scenes in the sewers with the Moleman, and later Dr. Doom, are the emotional crux of the movie.  I won't spoil it for you, but the fact that he can't even rely on his superhuman powers at the critical moment makes it all the more tragic.

So overall, is Roger Corman's "The Fantastic Four" a good movie?  No.  No, it is emphatically not a good movie.  Yes, it's a cheap movie, but the film is truly ruined by its ridiculous characterizations, specifically in the case of the Storms, Alicia Masters, and the dueling villains.  It might be so bad it's good, or so bad it's hilarious, but a good movie this isn't.

*Edit:  For those of you who are curious, I was able to view the movie on YouTube, beginning here.

Note:  The Brewsky is an enthusiastic contributor and movie reviewer who does not listen to his mother when she suggests a name for, say, his screenplay.  Or fantasy football team.  Or superhero team.  Yes, that's seriously how the characters come up with "Fantastic Four."  Susan and Johnny's mother calls them the "Fantastic Four."  I kid you not.